Post by ISABELLA MARIE SWAN on Dec 20, 2012 20:15:15 GMT -5
Well it’s midnight and again I cannot sleep. Which isn’t unusual considering I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over six years. The memories are becoming all too real...and all the more painful. It’s my own fault really. But I just I did what I thought would spare us both more pain and in fact it hadn’t worked. It’s only gotten worse as each day comes. And I know I have to face what I did even if I don’t want to. Nothing’s helped since I left him.
Travelling has been my only way of reaching somewhat of a normal life. But I’m still as torn as I was then. I remember the day of the wedding as though it had just happened. It’s vivid detail is enough to drive me crazy. To see Edward in front of me, but not to be able to touch him, to talk to him.
The nightmares are only my reminder of what I’ve lost. It feels as though I’ve cheated myself out of a great life. I could have been happy. I know I would have been with Edward. He was the only one that I could ever picture myself with. And to have ended things the way that I did was a miserable excuse.
I was afraid. It was my fear more than anything else that put me in the position that I am now in. Each day I’ve tried to become stronger and yet I don’t feel like it’s working. My heart can’t quit feeling the ache that is deep within my twisted soul. No measure of time wil be enough to fix what I've done, despite how much I wish I could.
To have hurt the only man aside from my father that I’ve ever truly loved, words can not express the pain and the sorrow that I have felt ever since that day. But no words—no amount of pleading for forgiveness would change the fact that I’ve screwed up. I’ve seen a few of the Cullens since their—our return to Forks. Coincidentally it happened at the same time, but that wasn’t planned. Sometimes I wonder if it is just fate laughing at me.
If I knew they were here, I probably would have stayed in Jacksonville with Mom and Phil. It would be easier than to know that they’re back and that they hate me. I’ve not seen Esme or Carlisle yet, but I’ve seen Emmett, Rosalie, Luna and Edward. Emmett, Rosalie and Luna each told me to stay away. And I was willing to heed their advice but it’s hard to do so. I can’t just leave. Charlie needs me here. He wanted me to come home.
Every time I think I’ve made a step forward I seem to take two steps back. Which only makes me regret more and more of what I’m doing. I shouldn’t exist. I should have died. I deserve that after what I’ve done to Edward. He was such a great guy that didn’t deserve what I’ve put him through. I don’t regret our time together, in fact I treasure it. I wish we could’ve had forever together, but I blew it. Charlie—after it was all said and done was more surprised than I think I would have expected him to be given he’s been pushing me to end it with Edward, as has Billy Black, Jacob’s father. But there’s a good reason for that and that’s because Edward is unique. He’s different from what others are. Better than most men.
He’s beautiful and talented. Everything that I am not. It’s only been six years and yet it’s felt more like a thousand. I cannot keep lying to myself or to Charlie. Charlie still doesn’t hover and that’s a good thing. I never thought at 24 years old that I would be single, and still who I am, a clumsy excuse for a human. I know I wasn't brave the day of the weding, if anything I had let my doubts destroy the one good thing in my life that I'd always wanted.
My heart still beats fast every time I think of him. Coming home has only reminded me more so of him. Of how he used to sneak into my house at night when I was asleep because he liked to watch me sleep, and how we would lay on my bed and just hold eachother.
Despite this, I know that I screwed it all up. I fear being alone. And I know that I will be. If They don't find me first. If They do, I'm as good as dead. I can't let Charlie see that. I don't know what I'll do if it comes down to that, try and run. But They have eyes all over the world, and there's no hope to escape if They really seek to destroy you. Their gifts are more dangerous than anything I've ever known. I only fear of what this will leave my family with. The loss of a daughter which is why I had walked away from the ceremony because of such fears. Even though I regretted it afterwords.
I miss Edward. I miss his family. I miss the life I used to have and I know that I will have to live with my regrets, and my mistakes for the rest of my life until They seek to kill me or I die of natural causes. Either which way I feel like my time is running out. I feel They will soon be coming for me.
Well I hear Charlie coming close, so I better call it a night.
Til we meet again,
Bella.
Travelling has been my only way of reaching somewhat of a normal life. But I’m still as torn as I was then. I remember the day of the wedding as though it had just happened. It’s vivid detail is enough to drive me crazy. To see Edward in front of me, but not to be able to touch him, to talk to him.
The nightmares are only my reminder of what I’ve lost. It feels as though I’ve cheated myself out of a great life. I could have been happy. I know I would have been with Edward. He was the only one that I could ever picture myself with. And to have ended things the way that I did was a miserable excuse.
I was afraid. It was my fear more than anything else that put me in the position that I am now in. Each day I’ve tried to become stronger and yet I don’t feel like it’s working. My heart can’t quit feeling the ache that is deep within my twisted soul. No measure of time wil be enough to fix what I've done, despite how much I wish I could.
To have hurt the only man aside from my father that I’ve ever truly loved, words can not express the pain and the sorrow that I have felt ever since that day. But no words—no amount of pleading for forgiveness would change the fact that I’ve screwed up. I’ve seen a few of the Cullens since their—our return to Forks. Coincidentally it happened at the same time, but that wasn’t planned. Sometimes I wonder if it is just fate laughing at me.
If I knew they were here, I probably would have stayed in Jacksonville with Mom and Phil. It would be easier than to know that they’re back and that they hate me. I’ve not seen Esme or Carlisle yet, but I’ve seen Emmett, Rosalie, Luna and Edward. Emmett, Rosalie and Luna each told me to stay away. And I was willing to heed their advice but it’s hard to do so. I can’t just leave. Charlie needs me here. He wanted me to come home.
Every time I think I’ve made a step forward I seem to take two steps back. Which only makes me regret more and more of what I’m doing. I shouldn’t exist. I should have died. I deserve that after what I’ve done to Edward. He was such a great guy that didn’t deserve what I’ve put him through. I don’t regret our time together, in fact I treasure it. I wish we could’ve had forever together, but I blew it. Charlie—after it was all said and done was more surprised than I think I would have expected him to be given he’s been pushing me to end it with Edward, as has Billy Black, Jacob’s father. But there’s a good reason for that and that’s because Edward is unique. He’s different from what others are. Better than most men.
He’s beautiful and talented. Everything that I am not. It’s only been six years and yet it’s felt more like a thousand. I cannot keep lying to myself or to Charlie. Charlie still doesn’t hover and that’s a good thing. I never thought at 24 years old that I would be single, and still who I am, a clumsy excuse for a human. I know I wasn't brave the day of the weding, if anything I had let my doubts destroy the one good thing in my life that I'd always wanted.
My heart still beats fast every time I think of him. Coming home has only reminded me more so of him. Of how he used to sneak into my house at night when I was asleep because he liked to watch me sleep, and how we would lay on my bed and just hold eachother.
Despite this, I know that I screwed it all up. I fear being alone. And I know that I will be. If They don't find me first. If They do, I'm as good as dead. I can't let Charlie see that. I don't know what I'll do if it comes down to that, try and run. But They have eyes all over the world, and there's no hope to escape if They really seek to destroy you. Their gifts are more dangerous than anything I've ever known. I only fear of what this will leave my family with. The loss of a daughter which is why I had walked away from the ceremony because of such fears. Even though I regretted it afterwords.
I miss Edward. I miss his family. I miss the life I used to have and I know that I will have to live with my regrets, and my mistakes for the rest of my life until They seek to kill me or I die of natural causes. Either which way I feel like my time is running out. I feel They will soon be coming for me.
Well I hear Charlie coming close, so I better call it a night.
Til we meet again,
Bella.