`changes change the world [bella]

[ESME ANNE CULLEN]

Her walk was brisk and yet utterly effortless as she held onto the thin straps of the bags she carried in slender hands. A soft smile was spread across her pale face and she was well satisfied with the days shopping. She had gotten a new comforter for her and Carlisle's bed and she was eager to go and put it on. She thought the colours would go just wonderfully in the rather large room and even though she really didn't need to use the bed she still wanted the room to look nice. Esme made sure to make an appearance at the stores occasionally for the other Forks inhabitants to see. It would be odd if a mother was never seen getting food for her family. She did enjoy shopping when she was on her own more so than when Alice or Rosalie accompanied her since she would buy more than she needed. She loved each and every one of her children, they filled a gap in her life that she never thought she would be blessed to have. Part of her found Forks to be one of the places that she felt most at home, but it was filled with a sense of sadness, because of the unforeseen events that happened at the wedding. It had crushed Esme when her son Edward had his heart broken, but in the process, she had lost a daughter. She mourned that loss because Bella was someone she had welcomed into her family.

“Good afternoon, Mrs Jenkins.” She said with a soft smile on her face as she paid at the counter for additional vases. Flowers were her weakness, the fresh scent of them in her home made for particular beautiful scents. There had been pain and loss for her family, they had sad goodbye to someone special in their lives, but they moved on liked they always did. Her family had not been quite the same and there was only so much a mother could do. Sighing, she left with a small goodbye after paying for her items, stepping outside, Esme looked into her back to look for her keys to her husband’s car. He was at home and allowed her to use it, she would rather use Carlisle’s car because it had his scent in it, something familiar to her and comforting when he was no around to give her the advice she needed. It was then a scent she had not filled her nose for nearly seven years suddenly appeared and was close. "Bella." She muttered to herself.

[ISABELLA MARIE SWAN]

It was difficult to believe that in almost seven years the changes that had happened in her life...she went from being single, to engaged, to being single again. It killed her spirit when she had hurt Edward, knowing she didn’t exactly explain the way that she ought to have, but she had been scared. And scared—as she was the only relief she knew to take was to go. Leave as quickly as she could. The images were far more dangerous than anything else. She had tried effortlessly to pick up the pieces of her shattered heart. Some may believe that because she walked—no ran—away from the love of her life that she no longer loved him even if it wasn’t the truth. It was the pain—that was the only reminder that any of it was real. Because she knew as soon as she left that Edward and his family had returned around the same time that she did. Coincidence? Perhaps but she didn’t believe in coincidences. Not after everything she had seen herself.

Taking a deep breath she had been walking around Forks, with no clear idea of where she was headed, and yet she didn’t think it wise to just wander about aimlessly. Not after the eerie feeling that she had—knowing the Volturi were drawing closer and it was a scary feeling. She was only human after all—all because she’d walked away from the man she loved out of fear. It was hard to even believe so much had changed. Although Forks was her home in every sense of the word, it also carried a burden with it. A sadness that was undeniable. It was difficult to be honest—to be here. To know that without a doubt she had betrayed everything she knew to be good—to be pure, the way that the Cullens were, they were a loving family, and had welcomed her into their lives—as a member of their family even before she and Edward had gotten engaged. Sure, not everyone had liked the idea, but it had happened nevertheless. It had been a crushing feeling to know that she was the one to hurt people—people who had done nothing wrong. Edward hadn’t done a thing. He was sweet—and loving, anything that a girl could ever dream of—just like she had since she had walked away from him.

She had walked outside of the flower shop which in years past had always made her smile but not this particular day. With everything that had happened, it was all but a reminder of what might have been—what should have been. She had created a pain and a loss to the Cullen family when she had said her goodbyes. It was hard—because she loved them but at the same time, what she had seen before she ran—was enough to make her want to leave. Because she feared what she had seen—feared their lives being taken...for them to be hurt or killed because of her. She had never been the same without them in her life—it was like there was this massive hole in her chest that was growing every day, but it was something that no medication in the world could ease the pain of. After her wedding was in shambles she had left for almost seven years and she knew that this town—although it held good memories, there were alot of painful ones that she had left in her wake. In the distance she had put between herself and this place. Although she had seen Alice, Rosalie, Luna, Emmett and Carlisle, she had not seen Edward or Esme. Nor had she seen Jasper. Those three were the only ones she had not yet seen and feared that it was too soon to try.

There was only so much she could handle and seeing the people she loved hurt or killed was not one of them. Taking a deep breath she had left the store next to the flower shop and had barely gotten outside when she heard a voice she hadn’t thought she’d ever hear again. Esme’s. Esme Cullen, the woman who had welcomed her into their family—a woman who was like a second mother to her. A woman she had loved and respected. She didn’t know whether or not to say anything at first. And hesitantly she spoke, not wanting to be rude but yet not wanting to interrupt because she knew that Esme most likely would rather have been anywhere else in town than in this place at that particular moment. “Esme....It’s good to see you. Though I know you can’t say the same for me—given what I’ve done and I wouldn’t expect that.” She still had yet to forgive herself for what she had done. There were times where she still sometimes wanted to die. "I know that I ought not to be here, that I don't deserve to be after what I'd done....I don't deserve to still be breathing." She said honestly.

[ESME ANNE CULLEN]

Her eyes closed for a moment, every memory of Isabella Swan passed through her mind in an instant. Every memory of happiness to see her first son happy for the first time in his life, the excitement on his wedding day and then the last memory of when it changed, the happiness of her family changed and on the day a cloud a descended around them all. She was dressed in a simple purple blouse and pencil skirt, similar to what she wore the first time she had ever met Bella and she cooked Italian based solely upon her name. All the feelings she had about that day came back, that happiness and then it all changed suddenly, none of them had seen it coming for her to say goodbye to Esme, if she could have cried she was certain that she would have. It was the simple things in life she missed, sometimes she wished she could forget the memory of Isabella saying goodbye, part of her heart died with her – if it had not been dead for over a hundred. When Bella started t speak after spotting her, she sounded so alone, and yet Esme felt awkward around her, she had not had that feeling around someone she had once been so close with for a long time. She had attempted to move on and say goodbye to yesterday of the hurt, it was time to let go and look forward to the future, but it all came flooding back as she turned to face Bella and looked upon an older Bella, the one in her memories had been eighteen.

“Isabella… Bella… no matter what you have done, you should not wish to die and end your life.” She spoke for the first time to the woman that broke her son’s heart and yet it was a sentence of compassion, no matter how much she felt the need to leave. The conflict within her was confusing and she was not entirely sure what she should do next. Her gold eyes focused upon Bella for a moment as she thought in silence. “I can’t say that it’s a pleasure to see you Bella and unexpected, but I still find myself happy to see that you are still alive and looking well.” She spoke the truth to the young woman, who had to be almost the age she was physically changed by Carlisle. “I am confused as well as to… as to why?” It was a question Esme had asked Carlisle and yet her husband never had the answer to it, and it still evaded her to this very day.

Gripping the bags tightly in her hands though trying not to crush them, Esme looked down at the floor for a short while gripping the keys in her other hand. It was strange for this encounter to happen. Of course, it was known the Bella was back in down but it still did not make this any easier to be around her. Once more she looked up at her, unsure at what would happen next, her face showing slight emotion that she felt on the day.

[ISABELLA MARIE SWAN]

Every moment she had been with Esme—with the family had been beautiful and loving...although now it was filled with a pain that echoed to her throughout the nearly seven years she had been gone. Her brown eyes lingered over Esme, how beautiful she still was, and although obviously she hadn’t aged a day she missed the woman in front of her. She knew that she owed Esme—and the others a real answer. An answer that she herself struggled with. A reason. Why did she hurt the very people that loved her the most? What was the point? Had it really helped?

She wore a light green v-neck top and a pair of comfortable blue jeans as she faced the woman who would have been her mother in law. It was hard to believe that it was now—that it was real. She had wanted to speak to him—to Edward and to his family then but she was too afraid to. Everything she had seen—whether it be by her own insecurities or something else had caused her to run. To run out of sheer fear and panic. One of her fondest memories of Esme ahd been when she had met the woman in her home—in her kitchen where she was preparing Italian based entirely off of her name. It was a memory she cherished. Even if it was difficult now to think of it—because the feelings were overwhelming. She knew she had to let them go.

When it had come to saying goodbye to Esme—to their family it broke her apart, but she had not let them see her cry. It was far too painful. She loved them and yet had hurt them all at once. All because of what she had seen. The fear of seeing them be killed....although she knew it didn’t make much sense, but it hadn’t stopped her from seeing it somehow in her mind’s eye. She had seen the humans in a pile—all deceased and the Cullen family—Edward included with their heads ripped from their bodies next to where their bodies lay. It was one thing to see her mother—Charlie and her friends all dead but it was another to see the people she had always felt were invincible to be just as dead as the others.

Although she knew it wasn’t real, it had felt very real at the time which was why she couldn’t handle being there. She hadn’t seen it coming, if she had she wouldn’t have even started walking down that aisle. Because the pain had been more than overwhelming, and it continued to grow—and it made it all to uncomfortable for her to want to keep living.

Seeing Esme now, of course, was a bit awkward, for them both. That part she knew all too well as Alice had been the same way. She jsut didn’t know what else to do. She was so afraid, of hurting people and yet knowing she couldn’t stay away anymore. She knew she had to face the future whatever it might be—instead of holding on to the pain and to the hurt that she had caused. Even if she didn’t want to live with what she had done.

“I know but it’s the truth. Wait you’re actually happy to see me alive? I’m surprised. I figured you of all people would want to rip my head off given what I’d done to Edward. I know you won’t understand why I did what I did because to be honest I don’t completely understand it myself. And I’m the one that did it. I hurt the very people I tried not to....I was eighteen....about to marry someone that I loved—and I just I panicked. I know that it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense what I’m about to say, but it’s the truth, nevertheless.” She sighed as she looked at the woman in front of her. Knowing this must be hard on Esme—to see her after so many years.

“All I know is something changed. I was happy—you know, nervous but that’s to be expected when you’re about to walk down the aisle, as my mother said...but as soon as Charlie and I—started down that aisle, everything changed. I was already nervous and I couldn’t control it...it was like I was watching everything happen like I was a visitor—like an out of body experiance I guess you might call it....but I just I remember closing my eyes and when I did—when I opened them....it wasn’t Edward I saw in front of me, but everyone—all those people who had their eyes on me while I was walking down the aisle—were dead....and I can’t explain why I saw that...or how. But it doesn’t change the fact that I did. I saw Charlie...my mother—the humans, all dead, there was blood everywhere....and if that wasn’t bad enough.... what I saw next was.”

She was having trouble saying what she was needing to get out.... “That’s when I tripped, because of what I saw. There’s alot that I can handle—but seeing all those people dead, my family...my friends....but then I looked to the side where you, Carlisle, and the rest of your family were. But I didn’t see you guys moving the way I know you to be...but your heads were ripped off and next to your bodies. It was a sight that I just I couldn’t shake free of....I was at a loss for words. It’s why even when Edward was trying to talk to me, Esme, even when I knew it wasn’t real I just I couldn’t handle it. I don’t know if I was just too scared or what it was but all I knew was that I had to get out of there, to clear my head. I never imagined I’d be gone this long. But I was in no condition to really hear anyone out—and I wish I had. I wish I hadn’t done it. It’s something I’ve regretted—it’s why I felt like I had to die. I nearly did. Right after I left—I found myself on the cliffs—the same ones I’d jumped off of years ago...after you know Edward had left—you all had. I just I couldn’t live with what I’d done. But I still I survived. And from there—I left town for good. First I went to Phoenix, then to Jacksonville—and I kept going. I never questioned why I kept going—all I knew was that I couldn’t stay in one place for very long. Not only would Charlie be able to track me but also because of well—the fact remained I didn’t keep my end of the bargain. The one that Edward, Alice and I made to the Volturi. That I’d become like you guys. I knew they’d find me and kill me and I’ve accepted that that’s the kind of fate I deserve.” She felt slightly better after saying it.

[ESME ANNE CULLEN]

Confusion filled her mind, she took in the sight of Bella and noticed that she had not changed that much, and yet she seemed to have aged much more than the past seven years. Her eyes scanning across hers for a moment, and she saw the pain present in Bella’s eyes – she had been suffering, that much was evident. Esme would have once given her life to protect Bella, her entire family would have, they gathered around her when she was in danger at the risk of losing their own lives in the process, everything they did had been to protect her because she had been one of their own. Esme rarely became angry and would give second chances, but she found it difficult because of how broken her son had become. It would never truly become alright again, no matter how much she wished it could be. She sighed softly for a moment. The young woman standing in front of her was not the Bella she had grown to love like a daughter, whom she welcomed with open arms into her family, the lady looked almost broken and she didn’t know what emotions she should be feeling about it all. Things that had seem so simple had suddenly been placed out of their reach when she walked away, anything could happened on that day, but the last thing she had expected was for her to walk away not only from Edward, but the entire family.

She listened to Bella as she gave an explanation to the actions of that day, her family had managed to get back on their feet and they managed as they always did. Esme did not speak for a little while listening to her words, she had a lengthy explanation to why she had done what she did.

Panic.

That seemed to be the main reason why she ran, did she not feel like she had the support she needed, that they would let anything happen to the humans of Forks if they could stop it? All these questions ran through her mind as she continued to listen, the confusion only grew with each passing sentence. Bella knew Esme well enough that she would never hurt someone without cause, she could not do this anymore, it was hard to listen to this and she was using her head to process it all. Now she wondered how Bella had managed to stay away for seven years only to suddenly to come back, did she know that they had come back into town or was it just something that just happened to be a twist of fate?

“Isabella…” She paused for a moment, taking a breath that was not necessary as she thought about what she was going to say. “Bella, I am stunned at why you seem to think that we would not help you when you needed it the most. Three years I considered you my daughter, I welcomed you with open arms and the day you left the family was left with an empty space, Edward’s heart was not the only one to break that day.” Esme looked at her directly, finally telling her what she had been thinking for the past seven years. “I mourned the loss of my daughter, my beautiful human daughter that left us. The implications of your actions, we still feel even now, we never forget Bella that is our curse.”


Pausing, this needed to be said, everything that she had not been able to say to her. This was a side of Esme that was rarely shown because she had never been so crushed by a member of her own family. People were passing by as she continued to face Bella, walking around she placed her shopping into Carlisle’s car so her hands were now free. She moved back over to Bella, her hands clasped in front of her. “We would have protected you no matter what was going to happen, we would have supported you however you needed it. I am still at a loss at how I should be reacting, part of me wants to say it will be alright and pull you into my arms Bella… but we know that will not happen, I still hurt and yes I am angry because you ran from people that loved you.”

[ISABELLA MARIE SWAN]

It would never be the same as what it once was, even if they could forgive her because she was unsure if she could ever forgive herself for it. Like she had told Esme, she had wanted to die, to end her pain once and for all. That had been her goal after it had all been said and done. It hurt to know that she had betrayed the very people that had loved her, had welcomed her into their hearts—into their family all for her to betray that in the end. That’s what she couldn’t understand. Why had she done it?

She knew that Esme was angry with her and had every reason to be even if by her tone it didn’t sound that way, at least not at first. She sighed softly as she understood where Esme was coming from. Esme had been the one she had loved like a mother, and it killed her knowing how upset she’d left her...left them all and for what reason was it? Because she’d panicked?

Nearly seven years had changed her, in more ways than she had ever thought possible. She was broken—a shell of what she once was. And that was because of the pain she had caused not only to herself but to those who were more innocent—and hadn’t deserved it. Esme was reacting the way that any parent would, at least that is what she was telling herself. It was not simple. Nothing was anymore—because their lives had grown apart—and she’d been the reason for it. She regretted her life—for that day—wishing she could go back and fix it but it was too late for that.

Panic had been what caused this whole mess and she didn’t understand why. She knew she had the support from not only Carlisle, but that entire family plus her own. Was it because there was too many people, too many eyes on her then? She knew that the family wouldn’t have let anything happen to the humans of Forks anyway because they helped people not hurt them—and that was what she loved about the entire Cullen family.

She knew that it wasn’t enough that her explaination wasn’t ever going to be enough and she knew that with every fiber of her being. Taking a deep breath she ran a hand through her brown hair. She knew that Esme was upset with her, obviously but hadn’t wanted her dead which was a good sign, meant she wasn’t that pissed off at her, although she couldn’t say if the situation were reversed if she would have been able to stand there and hear an explaination like the one she had given without being pissed.

Esme had never been one to bring harm to a person, being the loving mother figure she had always been. It was hard to say it, much less listen to it flow the way it had out of her mouth. But she knew she had to say something more. “When—when I was coming home—Charlie, I don’t know how he knew where I was, but he did. I got a phone call at the hotel I was staying at in New York, and he called begging me to come home. That I’d been away for far too long....and he was right. I took the next flight out and here I am. Charlie never mentioned you guys, in the entire time I spoke to him, I had no idea you guys were even back here...although if I had I don’t know if I would have kept my distance or just returned the way that I had. I know what I did was wrong, and there’s no amount of explaining that can fix something of this nature.” She replied to Esme, taking a breath knowing it was necessary as she listened to the woman in front of her.

“I know. I know you and Carlisle—everybody didn’t deserve what I did. And I know that it will never be the same as it once was and that is my fault. But it was never because I stopped loving Edward. I just—once I left I didn’t know how to come back. I feared the hatred that I knew I might recieve given what I’d done. I’d prayed for death honestly, because death would be so much easier than living with the pain I’ve been dealt, even if it is by my own doing. I never meant to hurt you, Esme. Or your family. It was the last thing that I wanted...but I just I kept seeing those same images and I don’t—I don’t think I would’ve been able to just stand there and take it. Even though I regretted leaving after I’d done it. You—above all else, you’d been like a second mom to me, and I knew that you could’ve helped me through it like you’d done for me in the years past, but I just I was ashamed I guess. I just didn’t think things through. And that’s where I was wrong. If I could take back what I did—if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t do it. I’d rather die than put you guys through that again. I wish I hadn’t put you through it in the first place but there’s nothing I can do other than to learn from my mistakes. And that was the biggest one of my life, believe me.”

She said as she listened to how Esme described her as a daughter then, and how it had pained her to hear those words. “I never wanted to hurt people I just I couldn’t escape those images, and I didn’t think about anyone but myself then. If I had—I never would have been able to walk out of that door and to leave in the way that I did. I’ve spent all of the time I’ve been away trying to heal myself—to make sense of it all. I had everything that a woman could want and I threw it all away, and for what? Even when I came home—I hid at Charlie’s for days before I could even face the fact that I was home—back where it all started. I shouldn’t be here—I should’ve died when James came for me—or when Victoria was hunting me. Would’ve saved us all the trouble and the pain that I’ve caused.”

She replied, pausing briefly as she watched as Esme had put her stuff in Carlisle’s car. “I know. And I’ve been wracked with guilt since, and part of me would have wanted you to just pull me into your arms and for you to tell me that it would be alright, but we both know that can’t happen. And I don’t deserve it anyway. You have every right to be angry, Esme. Your entire family does, but it—despite everything I never stopped loving you guys—never stopped believing that you guys were good people. I just wish I could have said it more—that I could’ve talked myself out of it. But my being stubborn is what got me into this mess to begin with. My being stubborn is what hurt everyone in the first place....myself included. But I am truly sorry for hurting everyone.” First she had to forgive herself before anyone else could truly forgive her and she wasn’t sure she could do that.

[ESME ANNE CULLEN]

This was getting harder to deal with, Esme thought that she would never see Bella again, it seemed almost like a sure fact but it would seem fate had different for her family and herself. There were so many unanswered questions but Esme kept her calm as she always did, it was something she was able to do in the worst situations. Why did this have to be so difficult? Esme wanted nothing more in the world than to wrap her arms around Bella and tell her that everything would get better, that she was forgiven. However, it was not the easy, no matter even if a part of her wished it could be. She did not want to give up easily though, there was part of her that would not let her. Esme still felt the love for her lost daughter, even if pain was covering it. Her entire life had been de-railed when Bella ran, picking up the pieces had been the hardest for her, the emotional scars would last an eternity.

Everything had changed, part of Esme had changed though she still welcomed people with open arms she was slightly more reserved than she had been in the past. She wanted to avoid the pain of welcoming someone into her family only for the to disappear and everything to crumble again. Esme did not want to feel that pain again, she did not know if she would be able to come back from it. Esme was known as the heart of the Cullen family, but she loved greatly and that was her greatest weakness because the slightest imbalance she felt. It was impossible to describe everything she had felt, but if she could have cried that day then she would still be shedding silent tears even now. In the past seven years a lot had happened from the consequences of how that day had panned out, and now here she was again.

“Time…time can slowly fix anything Bella, but something disappeared from me when you disappeared Bella. A part of me went with you when you left, I had hoped after a few days to clear your mind you would come back but you never did. Charlie was devastated when you left, the implications of your actions affected more people than just my family.” Esme finally spoke once more after listening to the first part of what Bella was saying, she never realised just how scared she had been. Maybe if Esme had talked to her before the wedding, seen that she had been all right it could have possibly been prevented. The questions that ran through her head when she considered if anything she could have done would have changed anything, would Bella be a Cullen now? It was things that could not be changed, but maybe the outcome could have been different, one could have only hoped so. Looking up at the sky for a moment, she could see that it would soon rain as the clouds started to become darker.

Sighing for a moment when Bella talked about wishing for death, which was something she never wanted to hear from her. “We all live with the consequences of our actions, but death is not something to think about lightly. I know that from experience that it seems to be the easiest way out of the pain.” Esme told her, the way her human life had ended was tragic in the eyes of many, and at the time, it seemed to be the only option to her because she had been blinded by her grief. She took one step closer to her for a moment touching Bella’s hand for a moment. “I can see you are suffering and how hard this has been on you, it is in your eyes.” It was the last few comments that made the love for Bella come to the surface, her eyes scanning her. In a flash, she pulled Bella into a hug standing there for a few minutes before pulling away. “Bella, never wish that James should have ended your life, you showed my family that some humans can accept us for what we are, you did it with grace.”

Esme then continued to speak. “The pain we feel will always be there, but in time things may change, I can’t promise anything. You have come back and that is the first step to healing yourself, you hold a place in my heart Bella regardless of what you have done or what you will do. The day you vanished still plays through my mind like it was yesterday and when you walked away, you did not see how much you were needed and pieces of my heart did go as well. The words I wanted to say to you I never had chance to, I wanted to make it okay for you.” Esme looked at her. “I have missed you Bella.”

[ISABELLA MARIE SWAN]

She couldn’t have pictured it to go any different than what it had been. Seeing Esme in front of her, now was both a blessing and a curse because it reminded her that she had hurt the woman far more than she had in fact realized. There were many things that had been left unsaid but she wanted more than anything to fix this. To heal them. But she knew she couldn’t. They had to do it themselves. Fate had a tendancy to work in mysterious ways but it always worked. It wasn’t going to be easy to forgive herself for what she had done but she knew that she had to try. She still loved Esme, always had, always would...and she knew that she had left a hole in the family when she had just up and disappered. Their lives had all been de-railed when she had made the choice she had made, even if she hadn’t intended for it to affect as many people as it had.

Esme still held a place in her heart, as a mother....and as a friend. She knew that the emotional scars that she and everyone she had left behind in her wake would feel them for eternity—and for the humans for as long as their lives would take them. Esme was the one that had been a huge source of comfort for her when she and Edward were still getting to know eachother and she had looked to her and Carlisle many times to see where things might go for herself and for Edward. A life she had hoped for. Even still she did not want to put the pain back on Esme, and didn’t want to hurt her again. She had learned her lesson. Esme was the heart of the family, and it was the intense love that Esme was able to give to others, was something she had ultimately admired about the older woman.

Knowing of course how she had affected others lives had made it all the more difficult to hear. Let alone comprehend. She wished things had worked out the way they were supposed to, that she would have been apart of this family instead of just dealing with the aftermath of why she hadn’t been.

Everything had changed, but she didn’t really understand the gravity of the sitaution that she had left behind. She looked at Esme, she wished she could have only seen the woman prior to all of this happening, maybe things would be different. But the fact she had taken a part of Esme with her, was both comforting in a way and saddening too. “Maybe, I don’t know. I’m sorry I hurt you, Esme. I left so many people completely confused, and I know I was—I had no idea that I would be gone as long as I was, but once I left I guess I was afraid of how everyone would react. I called Charlie about three days or so after I left—I knew he was devastated, and that hurt. But I was too ashamed to come back, even when he asked. I told him I wasn’t ready. I just—I needed more time. Time to clear my head I suppose. I didn’t know how anyone would react if I came home. You know and I just I feared the worst, Esme. I feared that you know, without a doubt I’d ended everything as I know it. After I left—the first thing I did was to go jump off a cliff, same one I jumped off of years before. It was refreshing but part of me hoped I wouldn’t have survived because even then I just I kept hearing everything—all the questions—why did I do it? How could I do it? How could I put the people I love—through such turmoil? I knew I was hurting people. And that’s what kept me away. Even if it was the worst thing I have ever done—and I’ve regretted it every second since then. You know, my being a human and all—I guess I was weaker than I thought.”

She sighed, as she looked up only to see it was about to rain, as the clouds were becoming darker and that—that was something she had missed, more than she thought. “It’s not something to think lightly about but it doesn’t change my mind. Esme, I’m just I can’t stand the thought of how much I’d hurt others—because it wasn’t my intention. I know that I have, and that’s what hurts. You know, it wasn’t just the fact that I’d betrayed you guys, you and Carlisle, after you so easily welcomed me into your lives—into your hearts. I know that I betrayed my own family too. Charlie never imagined I’d run. Mom—I remember when I finally talked to her, she was very upset. She had the same questions you had, and even now it’s hard for me to talk to her. Or Charlie about it. Death’s easier to think about when you know that you’ve lost everything you’d dreamed of. I haven’t been the same since. You know? And I know that—that what I did was wrong. That you guys, deserved far more from me. But in my heart that’s how I feel. I can’t change that.” She said, gasping lightly when Esme had reached out and touched her hand, the first physical contact the two had shared in years.

“Esme, my suffering doesn’t even compare to what your son is going through—what he went through when I left him. Or the others’. How is he, Edward I mean? I know I have no right to ask, but I do want to know. I’ve missed him, missed all of you. And I know it’s not right to say it but I’ve always been one to speak from the heart.” She had barely spoken it when suddenly Esme pulled her into a hug, and it was a geninue hug, something she had truly missed. When their contact was broken she listened to Esme once more. “Yes, but if I had been—I never would have hurt you guys. I never would have walked away from it...I know that I cannot repair the damage that I have caused, but grace or not, I hurt you. And that is where I am wrong. I just I wish it hadn’t happened. I’ve questioned myself, I’ve beaten myself over it, wishing I could just turn back the clock and pretend that it never happened. It—I do know that with everything that’s happened, I know that there’s been blame on the shifters, Jacob especially. And there’s a reason why. Jacob loved me, and he’d tried to keep me from Edward to get me to choose him, and I didn’t. I couldn’t. You know he was invited to the wedding and I know that him being there—and my leaving the way that I had, also left impressions. But I swear, it had nothing to do with Jacob, why I left. Or the question of whether or not I wanted Edward—wanted to be like you, a vampire. I know you can’t promise anything and I wouldn’t expect you to.” She sighed as she was just grateful that Esme was even talking to her right now because she was sure that the woman would have rather run in the opposite direction. But was even more grateful for the fact that she hadn’t.

“Maybe it will. I mean I feel better being home—with Charlie. You should’ve seen his face when I walked through the door—it was like no time had passed and I was still this little girl, like I had been when I first came back to Forks, when I was seventeen.” She sighed as she ran a hand through her hair. “I didn’t realize how much I was needed—and I wish I had because you’re the best, Esme. You know, even with all that’s happened the fact that you’re here right now, talking to me, means more to me than anything in the world. I think I’m finally seeing what it is that I’ve needed to. I’ve missed you too, Esme. I just I know it’s too late.” She replied as she looked at the woman, hoping she’d understand what she meant by what she had said.